NO ANGEL



It wasn’t that Felix had never been touched up, because he had, hell, he was an attractive enough young man, even he knew that. But to be honest, it had been a long time since anyone had bothered, it happened in the small hours of the morning, and it caught him completely unawares.

And also it was on a deserted, late night bus where he was virtually the only passenger.

It was a damned fierce pinch of his ass, too, gripping a good sized part of his buttock and making an impression right through his jeans. Felix gave a shout of surprise and protest, jerking upright in his seat, peering around for the culprit. The only other person in the back of the bus with him was an old man with his eyes shut, snoring fitfully on the other side of the aisle and clutching a half-filled cup of muddy-looking liquid to his chest. As Felix glared at him, the old man slumped down across the next seat and snored even more loudly. The cup dangled from his fingers, the cold tea dribbling on to the floor. Felix wrinkled his nose; the guy smelt dreadful, a mixture of stale urine and the fuel-and-filth smell of living on the streets. What’s more, he didn’t look like he’d be conscious any time soon, let alone try surreptitiously groping anyone.

Felix frowned. The bus shuddered to a halt at a stop about a mile away from his apartment. No-one else got on. He remembered there’d been a group of snickering teenagers sat near him, on their way home from a club or something, but they’d got off at the last stop. There’d been a couple of pretty young women, too, but they’d gone just before the snickerers, and besides, he knew without doubt that the pinch had come from a male hand.

Yes, without doubt. He couldn’t have explained how, but he knew. His buttock still winced from the attack. Yet there was no-one else he could see within pinching distance.

“Oi!” Felix snapped aloud, then felt idiotic, talking into the silence. God, if the driver heard him, he’d be turned off the bus as a drunk. Opposite him, the old man snorted into the worn seat cover and the dregs of his tea squelched on to the floor of the bus. There was no other sound apart from the hissing squeal of the bus’ brakes as it pulled away again from the stop.

“Hello?” Felix frowned, glancing quickly around. Nothing moved, no sheepish kid stuck out his tongue, no passing party-goer waved hands at him that had been way too free on his ass already.

“Well… just watch out,” Felix said gruffly, self-consciously, hardly believing he was talking to himself on the bus like one of the nutters who sat next to him so often…

You felt it! Did you?

Felix opened his mouth to reply with spirit, then closed it again, not sure whether he’d really heard something. What or who was he replying to? He couldn’t see where any voice had come from. The Voice.

A shiver ran down his back.

You heard me, too! Fuck. Say something. Tell me you heard me. Come on! Shit, man, do you know how important this is?

Felix frowned again and glanced back over at the old man. He was still doing a better impression of a corpse than a ventriloquist. The driver had his back to him and was right at the other end of the bus. There was no-one else in sight.

But he could still hear The Voice. In his head.

No you’re not going mad. And I’m not that that derelict idiot with tea stains down his pants. I’m me, and I’m trying to have a fucking conversation with you yet you’re sitting there silent, with your tongue hanging out like some imbecile—

“Cut it out!” Felix hissed. “What makes you think I want a conversation with someone who calls me an imbecile?”

Whatever. No, I mean I’m sorry. You’re not an imbecile. Well, you don’t look like you are. And to tell you the truth, even if you were raving and frothing at the mouth and calling yourself the great-grandson of Beelzebub himself, I’d still want a decent conversation with someone other than myself.

Felix watched another bus stop pass by the smeared window. There were only a few hundred yards to home now. He had, of course, been working very hard recently, taking all the extra shifts. Those long hours were bound to take their toll on his nerves one way or another…

Look, I said sorry, didn’t I? and I’ll say it again if you want. Fuck, if I knew which way you swung, I’d offer to kiss your ass, whatever you like. Just… say something to me. Something else.

Felix pulled his jacket tightly around him. “Where are you? I can’t see you.”

So start with the metaphysical stuff, why don’t you? I have no fucking idea. I’m just… here. Around. I’ve been riding the bus all night, but no-one else has felt or heard me, so I guess I’m not… occupying any real space at the moment. I’m not here, not like you are. But I am here. In some other sense.

“That’s not much of an answer, is it?”

So it sucks. Sue me. That’s what you asked.

“You’ve been riding the bus?” Felix instinctively lowered his voice so it could hardly be heard over the sound of the bus’ engine. “Touching people up? What kind of pervert are you?”

The Voice chuckled—there was really no other description for the soft, surprisingly warm sound that echoed inside Felix’s head.

You tell me. When you spend your days nudging into people who don’t notice whether you pass around, through or over them, wouldn’t YOU be tempted to shake someone up a bit? To make some impression on them – get some response?

Felix started nodding, then quickly stopped himself. “I guess so. But… you said you hadn’t?”

Not until you yelped like a puppy and scared the shit out of me.

Felix cleared his throat. “Thanks. Not. And you’re the one who pinched my ass.” He thought he saw the bus driver’s head twist around towards him, but he hoped he was mistaken.

Hey. Did you like it?

Felix frowned. “Don’t be stupid.”

You want me to do it again? I could. I’d like to, you know.

“Don’t you dare touch me again,” hissed Felix. “And it’s my stop next.”

Go on, tell me you liked it. You know you want to. You know I’m a guy, don’t you? You like guys touching you? Or do you wish I was some blonde bimbo? Work with me here, pal.

“I’m not your pal. You must never, ever touch me again. And I don’t have to discuss my sexual preferences with anyone, let alone some… some disembodied voice on the bus.” Felix knew his voice was getting louder and angrier but he was disturbed. “Dear God, this is ridiculous.” He hauled himself up on to his feet and started to make his way along the swaying bus to the front door. “Next stop for me, driver!”

The driver coughed. “Sure.”

Felix pulled up beside him, hanging on to the ceiling strap as the bus started to slow down.

“You want to watch it with the imaginary friends, you know,” the driver said, conversationally. “Other guys aren’t so easy going. Might turn around and take you back to the hospital.”

Felix flushed. “I’ve just come from there.”

The driver nodded. “Sure. Figures. Like I say, just keep the volume down.”

“No,” Felix protested. Could things get any more bizarre? “I mean, I work there. I’m not a patient or anything. I’m not…”

The bus shuddered and hissed to a halt. “Whatever,” said the driver. “If it keeps you off the streets, I’ve got no argument with it. Just don’t upset the passengers when we’re busy.” The doors opened with a squeal. “Off you go, mate. I’d say, don’t talk to any strangers, but looks like you’re already on chatting terms.”

Felix swung around, furious, to stare back down the bus. All he could see were the rows of empty seats and the derelict’s arm hanging down into the aisle, still clinging tenaciously to his tea cup. “Look what you’ve done!” he snapped, aiming it nowhere in particular. “Just fuck off and leave me alone!”

He turned back, ignoring the driver’s nervous grin, and stumbled down the steps on to the sidewalk.


*

The apartment was in semi darkness when he let himself in. It was on the fourth floor, and Felix had dragged himself up the stairs with legs that were tired of walking the wards all night, tired of climbing the hill outside the hospital to the nearest bus stop, tired of taking the long way round to the front of his apartment block because he was too scared to take the short cut through the deserted industrial estate in the dark.

He pulled the door behind him too sharply, wincing as it slammed shut, shattering the silence in his small hallway. He could see a light on under Patrick’s door and he bit back a sigh. “Pat? Sorry,” he whispered, not sure whether he could be heard. He slipped off his boots then started to pad along to his own room, hoping to get past without any further mishap. He’d throw himself down on the bed, shower could wait until the morning, he’d already washed up at the end of his shift. Then sleep, sleep and hey, maybe some more sleep…

The door across the hall creaked slowly open. A young man stood silhouetted in the dim light from inside. He was in pajama bottoms and rubbing a hand over his eyes. “Felix?”

Felix smiled. “Sorry, bro, I was too noisy coming in. Just go back to sleep. I’ve got a late shift tomorrow so I won’t disturb you in the morning either.”

The other young man’s eyes were half-lidded with sleep but he grinned. “You mean you don’t want to be disturbed. You’re working too much, Felix. Why don’t we take some time off this weekend, go fishing or something.”

Felix shrugged. “Maybe, Pat.” Both of them knew it wasn’t going to happen. “Just go back to sleep now and we’ll talk about it later. You got any interviews to go to tomorrow?”

Pat stared at him groggily. “There was a place in town said they’d call me. I’ve got the new burger bar to try out. Plenty of things going on.” He yawned, but his eyes didn’t meet Felix’s.

“Good,” said Felix, feeling anything but. “Got to crash now. I had a really weird journey home and it’s… taken it out of me.” He saw Pat’s eyebrow’s lift, but he shook his head. “It was just one of those out of body things, I guess. Tell you about that tomorrow, too.” He turned to go into his room.

“He called again.” Patrick’s voice was soft and sounded very young. “Micky. Plenty of times. I told him you were working. I said what you told me to.”

Felix rolled his eyes. “He won’t get the message. I need some space. I don’t have any time for it right now.”

Patrick frowned. “Felix, you don’t have to give it all up just for me, you know. I’ll get a job soon, of course I will. Or maybe go back to college. Whatever. But you can’t stop going out and everything. Or staying in. Micky wanted to come around and… wait for you.” He flushed, it was obvious, even in the dim light of the hallway.

Felix forced out another smile. That shit had better not have embarrassed his little brother with his sleazy suggestions, Felix knew how Micky could act up. “Sleep, bro. At the moment, that’s a hell of a sight more attractive to me than a love life.” It was his turn to yawn.

“Good night.” Patrick smiled again, sleepily, and went back into his room, closing the door quietly behind him.

Felix went into his own, smaller room. He closed the door and peeled off his shirt, then dropped his pants. He threw himself down on the bed in his boxers, just like he’d promised himself, just like he’d been dreaming of all the way home, just relaxing and forgetting and sleeping…

What do you mean, just one of those ‘out of body’ things? Pretty shitty way to talk about a guy you just travelled home with. Hell, if anyone’s got a better right to talk about out of body things, it’s ME not you…

Felix sat bolt upright on his bed, staring into the darkness. “Christ! You again? I left you on the bus!”

The Voice chuckled, though it sounded sharper than before. I was never really ON the bus, so you couldn’t really leave me there, could you? Besides, I enjoyed my chat with you so much I thought we might continue some more.

“It’s 2 a.m.,” Felix muttered. “I’m going to sleep.” He shook his head. “I’m talking to myself in the middle of my bedroom in the dark at 2 a.m. in the morning. I’ve flipped. I need to go to sleep.”

I don’t get tired. I don’t have much sense of time at all. Fucking bad deal.

“Bully for you,” Felix hissed. “And cut out the foul language, will you?”

This is from a guy who told me to fuck off.

“This is from a guy who still means it!” Felix groaned aloud. “Just go, why don’t you? This is just some kind of mental hiccup, some nightmare, some stress-related condition. In the morning, when I’ve had some sleep, it’ll all be over.” He flopped back on the bed.

Worried we’ll wake up the boyfriend?

“I don’t have one,” Felix said, automatically. “Well, not any more.”

So who’s the apartment-share? Just a fuckbuddy?

Felix sat up again, amazed he had the energy to get so angry, and with nothing but a Voice. “Shut that filthy mouth of yours! He’s my brother, not that it’s any of your business.”

The Voice sounded more subdued, though sulky. That can happen, too.

“In your twisted world, maybe, but not in mine.” Felix wanted to throw something but there wasn’t anything to hand and besides, he wouldn’t have known in which direction to throw it.

I’m sorry. It sounded genuinely contrite. Didn’t mean to offend the brother. Or you. Just got carried away with the excitement of making contact with someone at last. With being able to talk to someone, having somewhere to go.

Felix grunted, slightly mollified by the apology. He lay back down and pulled the sheet over him.

But now we’ve established you like guys, right? There was a definite smirk to The Voice now. You’ve got to admit, I know how to pick them. You can hear me and feel me, you play on the same team, and dammit, you’re cute too…

“Shut up!” yelled Felix. He sat up and flung a pillow across the room with all the force and venom he could muster up. It bounced off his closed door and plopped to the floor. He snorted, satisfied with the effort even if he had no evidence of it reaching his target.

But what the hell was he thinking? There was no target, except for the tricks his own mind was playing. He groaned and slumped back down in bed. He tugged the sheets around him, trying to warm up quickly.

I could come in with you, keep you warm. You know. While the brother-not-fuckbuddy is asleep, and the boyfriend-not-anymore is… not here. No strings, right? Hell, I don’t even know if I can do anything in this state, if I can get it up at all, we ought to try it out, see if you can feel ALL of me. Aren’t you curious? You know, for scientific purposes – for medical research?

“Fuck off,” muttered Felix, his reason defeated for the night.

Just see if I can hold you. Put an arm around you. Press my thighs up against your legs. A brief kiss, just a chaste one, no tongues, whatever you want. But if you want my opinion, it’d be fucking good, you look like a damned good kisser, got that kind of a mouth, when you’re not spitting obscenities at me, that is.

Felix sighed and pulled the remaining pillow around his head, covering his ears.

That’s a ‘no’ then, is it? You’ve got a cute ass too, what I could see through those faded boxers, you really ought to get new underwear for an ass that cute, you know. Cock looked a good size, too, I like them slim like that, they can go real deep. You a bottom or a top? We could discuss that at a later date, I guess…

Felix started to snore.

The Voice sighed. Gotcha. That’s another ‘fuck off’ then. It went quiet and stayed there.

Felix smiled gently into his pillow, making sure not to alter the pattern of his snoring. Pretty weird evening all round, he’d laugh about this with Pat tomorrow. But for now, there was the blessed, refreshing, obliterating sleep…

As he drifted into unconsciousness, he was still smiling. It’d been a long time since anyone told him he had a cute ass.